Hello Dear Readers 🙂
I bring you this post today from a whole new place in my heart. Now that the “emotional dust” has started to settle a bit and I’m starting to feel better I felt like I could write this. The past three days have been awful, to the point where I literally felt like I was having a heart attack. I was having constant chest pains but I knew that it was the emotional side of things that was causing me to experience this, it wasn’t anything of PHYSICAL origin. As a nurse I know the warning signs of something like this and I wasn’t experiencing any of the other things that would cause me to go to the hospital or anything. I felt my heart being torn to shreds a piece at a time and my fiance felt the same. He continues to tell me that me doing this hurt him, but he hurt me first so he understands. I think he understands a little more though that the fact that I hurt him was an unavoidable side effect of me doing this for myself, and if I could’ve done this without that result then I would have. My goal in doing this wasn’t to hurt him but do the opposite for the both of us. Like I’ve said many times already, I’m not the kind of person who will hurt a person with the sole intention to hurt them regardless of if they hurt me or not. I feel like half of the reason why I was hurting so badly the first few days aside from resurfacing some things that have been hiding in my psyche for the last 20 years is because of knowing how hurt he was by this. It got so bad in certain moments I literally felt like I couldn’t catch my breath. However when I woke up this morning I felt different in a good way. My breathing was a lot better and eased a ton, and I haven’t had those chest pains at all today. When I spoke to my fiance (I’m not really sure what to call him anymore, it’s a habit to call him that) he asked me if I felt different today when I woke up because he did also. He felt calmer and his breathing was easier and he didn’t have chest pain anymore. I honestly think someone sent the both of us some healing energies and we both were feeling the effects.
We both came to the decision that he will move out of the apartment and in with a friend and I will stay in the apartment with the dogs. This way I won’t have to go anywhere. Things will be tight financially but that’s a price I’ll just have to pay to accomplish this. It took him to understand this and me explaining it 20 different ways for it to click with him but he finally gets why this is necessary for my healing right now. Regardless of whether or not I’m trying to consciously push passed my mental blocks, when I’m in the same vicinity as him I automatically put his needs ahead of my own. He understands now that this kind of behavior is hindering my healing and getting in the way of me reaching wholeness again. This is one of the things among many that I need to retrain my brain about, rewire the things that have been wired into it all this time. This separation is necessary mainly for that reason, so I can find my voice again and become stronger within myself, so maybe someday we can become stronger together. I told him if we’re going to make this work we need to start from the very beginning. Dating again, getting to know ourselves and get to know each other as well. I told him I have no idea who I am deep down and he agrees he doesn’t know who he is either, but even by me being away for the passed few days he’s learned a lot about himself already.
I’ve noticed too today that EVERYWHERE I went, whether it was to the gas station or the store or anywhere really when I was running around paying bills whoever crossed paths with me would make eye contact with me today and smile. It was really noticeable to me because in the past few weeks it was the opposite, when I would make eye contact with people they would look the other direction. I must’ve been emanating a certain kind of energy that they were picking up on that wasn’t the least bit friendly. I didn’t want to speak to anyone or be around anyone or do anything…I wasn’t the least bit interested in connecting with ANYONE in any way and was ready to just shut down completely. I felt like I had had enough and I didn’t see the point in even saying hello to people. If I could’ve afforded it I probably wouldn’t have even went to work even though when I’m at work it helps me being around the kids and having a connection with them….
And when I was in the gas station getting a money order to pay a bill that I can’t use cash to pay, I was short $1.50 for the fee so I was digging through my purse to dig it out….the woman behind me got change for a $5.00 bill and turned around and handed me $2.00 and said “Here you go baby, don’t worry about it I got you.” Even though it was only $1.50 that’s not the point. I was touched by her generosity and thanked her and thanked her again because you don’t see that kind of generosity anymore. However if I was emanating that same kind of energy that I was for the past few weeks I doubt she would’ve done that. It was more of a feeling when I would wake up before I decided to do this where I was trying to convince myself that I was beginning to heal but I couldn’t fully do it in the same place as him. When I would wake up there would be a certain aspect of myself that was constantly pulling in a different direction, telling me deep deep down that this was what I had to do to grow and heal, regardless of how painful it will be.
So, how does our psyche really repair itself, especially when trying to heal the kinds of things I’ve went through? The best way and typically most common way is through dream time, and something throughout my life has happened and normally it was at the most stressful times. I would never sit here and tell you that I’m “psychic” or a “medium” or any of that. However I feel like there are certain people out there who may not necessarily be able to directly communicate with spirit, but who are way more sensitive to spirit’s presence than others. I’ve had many dreams that were more like “prophetic” than my psyche working through certain things. I remember when I was younger and my dreams would come to fruition it would freak me out, not really understanding what it all meant and why I was able to do this. September 11th is a perfect example:
My repetitive dream a week before September 11th:
In this dream my cousin and I were in the towers. It was just her and I and we were the only ones there, the whole floor we were on was empty. Having been there previously I knew exactly what the inside of the towers looked like, it looked in the dream exactly the way it did in real life. I was standing by the window and a plane flew by the window. I asked my cousin why a plane was flying so close to the buildings and she said “They come here all the time now.” I was looking at her for a moment, then I turned my head and saw a second plane coming towards the window on the floor we were on. Right before the plane made impact I jolted awake…sat straight up and was breathing rapid and my heart was racing, I had this dream 3 different times that week. Then September 11th happened and my mother was so freaked out because she made the connection, and knew that this dream wasn’t just your everyday psyche working things out, this dream was a premonition. Each time I had this dream I would go to her freaked out in the middle of the night not understanding what it meant. She would tell me “Oh it’s fine, don’t worry about it” trying to calm me down. But something in me knew that this meant something bad was going to happen. My mother too, has always been sensitive to this kind of thing and her and I are extremely similar in a lot of ways. We look very similar too.
There are certain kinds of dreams that you know without a shadow of a doubt are meaningful and something entirely different than your normal everyday dreaming. If you dream about walking into school and you look down and you’re totally naked, okay that’s your psyche working out some things. If you experience the above kind of dream I’m discussing it’s a whole different situation.
Like I said, throughout my life dream time has been a way for me to work through things, like all of us. When you’re asleep this is when your soul wakes up, and directs and guides you through certain things and situations in your waking life that you need help with. You need to listen to the guidance that your higher self sends you when sleeping, this is the “divine guidance” that we all receive and are capable of. Every single person in the world has the capacity to foresee certain things and scenarios and be susceptible to experience the kinds of dreams I discussed above. It all depends on how blocked and open you are spiritually.
The day after my grandfather died I moved my things into the room that he passed in and that became my bedroom. At the point of his passing he was already on hospice and had a hospital bed in that room where he stayed. It started out as lung cancer and metastasized and by the time that he passed his whole body was riddled with it. He was a heavy smoker and there actually was a cigarette burning in his ashtray as he was dying that night. I remember it clearly, my mom and sister and I were in the living room and I was SO excited because Pocahontas had just come out on VHS, so we went to Blockbuster that night and got it. We were in the middle of the movie and we heard a LOUD “THUD” directly above us, which was my grandfather’s room. We ran up the stairs and my mom opened the door and made my sister and I stay on the stairway. I was watching what was happening through the rails on the stairs. The last thing I saw was my grandfather laying on the floor hemorrhaging. He had blood coming out of his mouth, everywhere. My mom made Chrissy and I go down to the basement, and about an hour later she came down and told us he was gone. He passed in my mother’s arms and after that she was seriously teetering on the edge for a long time, so I felt like I had to be strong for her, and then all of the trauma that I’m starting to heal from now started to happen so to say that all hell broke over my entire life in every way isn’t even enough to get people to understand what it felt like.
I felt the need to be close to my grandfather again and that’s why I moved my things into his old room, a part of me knew that from the moment he ascended our connection never left. Even though I always felt him around me everything that happened after his passing took my focus away from all of that for a long long time. It took me 3 years to even be able to think about him after he died to not burst into tears. But he sends me signs all the time. Just today even, I was on the phone with my sister discussing my situation with my relationship and she was in her car parked and she got all excited all the sudden because a cardinal landed on the hood of her car as we were talking. She said “Oh my God a cardinal just landed on my car, grandpa’s worried about you.” Sometimes I’ll walk into a store and “A Marshmallow World” will be playing, that was his FAVORITE Christmas song of all time and every year we had to have that song on repeat…and he’d sit there and crinkle his nose and giggle and laugh as Chrissy and I would sing along with the song and dance around and put up the decorations, with him watching from the rocking chair sipping his tea. 🙂 He was thrilled when he knew that my mom and Chrissy and I were for sure moving into the house with him and my grandmother and he IMMEDIATELY began working on that room, the room he ultimately ended up passing in and the room that I lived in later.
So, fast forward to when I was 16. My grandmother couldn’t afford to pay the mortgage anymore on the house and so she decided to sell it. This was extremely difficult for me, mainly because I felt like if I left that house I would somehow “leave my grandfather behind”, even though I know it doesn’t matter WHERE you are, your loved ones stay with you wherever you go but I didn’t want to leave that house for that reason. I felt like if I was physically distanced from it, then I would somehow be spiritually distanced from him. I was also emotionally hurt at the time because my Uncle was hit by a car so hard that he got thrown up in the air from the impact and landed directly on his head. He was pronounced dead at the scene and they revived him, he lived but remained in a coma for another 6 weeks. My Uncle Joey, the one who I’m talking about is the reason why everyone in the family knows how to dance, he taught my mother and my sister and I and my mother will tell you he’s the reason why she became a dance teacher and choreographer. Every summer he would perform with a local performer, Rick Mango and dance to “Just A Gigolo”… Growing up in a beach town there would be concerts on the boardwalk every summer, where everyone in town would go out with their beach chairs and towels and sit in the sand while the concert was going on. It would never fail, my mother and I would ALWAYS dance, whether the dance floor was sand or not LOL. It wasn’t uncommon at all for people to sit and watch us because we wouldn’t just dance and bop along, we would swing dance and Lindy and do the Charleston, and maybe if I had enough energy I’d even break out and start doing the Shim Sham LOL….The Shim Sham is a part of the tap genre of dance but I always loved it, so I would do it sometimes randomly whether it fit in with the song that was playing or not, hehe 🙂 The point is, we wouldn’t just dance along to the music, we were doing actual swing dance with dips and spins and turns and sometimes it looked like we planned it because it was so synced together but we never did. It was all organic and in the moment and we just allowed the music to take the dance wherever it wanted to take it. I know that “Just a Gigolo” is not the best message a song can have LOL, but let’s be honest here, my family is full of Italian people. It’s a cultural thing and that was one of the songs that would ALWAYS play at family parties and such, it was never really looked at in a disparaging way, my family just always listened to that kind of thing. While most people my age grew up listening to BSB, NSync and Britney Spears, even though I listened to some of that too I mainly listened to all the oldies growing up…. Frank Sinatra, Perry Como, Dean Martin, Barry White, Elvis…But anyway, this whole thing was especially difficult on my mother because of the fact that it was happening at the same time as my Uncle’s passing, and she attributed a lot of why she is who she is to him.
This was another repeat offender type of dream, I had this dream 4 to 5 different times…
Evil Woman Dream:
In this dream I walked into our garage at our house, which was totally separate from the house itself. In waking life the garage just had one level but in the dream it had two, an upstairs and a downstairs. I walked into the garage and it almost looked like a barn, the upstairs was open kind of and you could look down and see directly to the downstairs level. I walked into the garage, and there was a man and woman sitting in chairs on the upstairs level looking down at me when I walked in. The moment I made eye contact with this woman my heart started to race and I felt like the man needed my help. There was a very aggressive type of energy that the woman in this dream shot at me, it almost felt like I was being spiritually attacked just by being in her presence. The man couldn’t speak, we were telepathically talking and he was telling me she won’t let him talk and he needs my help. I opened my mouth to tell her to let him go, and again like in all of my other dreams, the words wouldn’t come out. I stood there and this woman and I stared at each other for what felt like hours but was probably for several seconds and I woke up in a panic.
Like I said, I had this dream repeatedly the week that we were selling our house. What’s funny is the man who bought it from us asked my mother a few months later if anybody had passed away in that house. He had no idea mind you, about my grandfather and everything that went on there. She asked him why and he said that in his daughter’s room, which was my old room and the room my grandfather passed in, things were happening. The window would creak, there was a patio attached to the room that my grandmother and I shared and he said that the patio door would swing open, they would hear people walking up and down the stairs at night….I have a feeling that was my grandfather and he wasn’t thrilled that these new people were in this house now, they gutted the whole house and redid it and changed everything. And not only that but he was pissed about what happened to our lives after he passed. What’s funny is that it wasn’t just until recently that when I remember my dreams their setting IS NOT in that house, ever since he died whenever I would have dreams I would always be in the house I grew up in.
It took me a while but I was okay from that dream even though I was pretty shook up. To this day I still don’t know what that dream meant but like I said, I got the feeling from it like I was being spiritually attacked in some way.
Now let’s fast forward about 8 years to a milestone in my relationship back then. I was about 24-25 years old at the time. Luke and I decided that we wanted to start a family at one point and we stopped preventing pregnancy completely. We weren’t really trying but we weren’t preventing it either. We were kind of going about it like “When it’s meant to happen it’ll happen”. It never did. But again, like I said dream time is a time when your soul wakes up. This is yet again another repeat offender dream:
Evil Little Boy Dream:
In this dream I was in this HUUUUUGE house, I mean you could probably more easily call it a mansion than a house. I was working in this house although I couldn’t tell you what my job was exactly. I just had the feeling in this dream that this wasn’t my home. So, I was walking around the house exploring it because like I said, it was gigantic. I was told to NEVER go in a certain area of the house, that it was totally off limits. But I guess my soul is as adventurous as I always knew it was and said “Screw that I want to see what’s over there”…. so I go into this area of the house, and I instantly feel fear set in. I felt eyes on me even though I couldn’t quite tell you at that point where they were coming from. Then finally, I turned the corner and there was this pitch black hallway. I started to walk down this hallway and this little boy crossed paths with me, he couldn’t have been older than 9 or 10. And I got the same feeling as I did when I locked eyes with the woman in the dream I told you about above. I felt incredibly spiritually vulnerable in the presence of this boy, and I felt like he had the intention of harming me spiritually in some way. And, like ALL the other dreams, of course I tried to break myself of this voice paralysis but I couldn’t. I kept eye contact with this boy for probably about the same amount of time as the woman in the other dream and then I woke up.
But again, having the same feeling as the other one. I had that sinking feeling in my gut when I woke up like you have when you’re getting attacked or something, like a panic sort of feeling. I had this dream about 4 different times in the same week and then they stopped.
I found out much later, this year actually that the reason why I never got pregnant was a psychological thing because of my trauma. I’ve always had serious female issues and so much pain around my cycle, when I was younger it was a lot worse. The pain was so intense back then I would literally vomit. I still need to have a heating pad on my stomach for the first couple of days now but it’s nothing compared to what it was. This passed January when I got health insurance I made the decision to go and get everything checked out because it concerned me that Luke and I were never able to conceive. I had ultra sounds done, internal and external and everything came back fine. I was SO confused about that because I knew the intense pain I experience every month must mean that there’s a problem somewhere but nothing was found in any of the testing that I did. I did research of other things that could cause that other than physical things like endometriosis or even ovarian cysts or something, and that was the first thing that came up. And when you’re a victim of the kind of trauma that I had this is a classic typical psychological effect of it.
After 2 years of not preventing pregnancy I told Luke that we needed to start to prevent it again. I knew I couldn’t get pregnant right now anyway with me trying to go to school and get done with everything and further my career and better myself. So we started to prevent it again…
So, now we’re back to the recent days. As I’ve been thinking about it I feel like the dreams I had that I KNOW was Set from Ancient Egypt have more layers than just that to it. Let me explain that…
This is the original post I made the day after having these dream attacks: http://wp.me/p84DUb-f4
Even though Set’s intention in these dreams was to spiritually harm me, it actually helped me and gave me some serious insight into all of this. In this dream I had those wounds on my belly and the pain in that infected wound, and Luke and I were sitting there talking and he suddenly became possessed and I was physically weakened in this dream. Well, the night that I told Luke I needed a break was the first day of my cycle and I was in intense pain in my belly…and in the dream he handed me my car keys and said “Take yourself to the hospital”…. what did I do that night? I MOVED OUT OF THE APARTMENT…. so I could “take myself” and “Take care of things” and be on my own…this is why I’m saying, that dream was more than just an evil spirit trying to mess with me, this was a premonition in a way as well. The evil element that Set threw into it and the energy sucking that I felt in it was just his own sick twisted little addition to it, but there are certain elements about that dream that completely came to fruition that night when I finally told Luke I needed a break. I just realized this today. And the second dream I had that day too makes total sense as well, with the girl that was bound and tied up and I couldn’t get to her….I thought at first that that represented one of my good friends but thinking about it later I think she represented me, and the attacks I continue to receive. The timing of the dream is the most telling because I had those dreams the day I started my inner child meditation….And the fact that in the dream the whole reason WHY I went into that building was because people were saying that Michael hurts children and I went in there to protect him and stop them from spreading that untrue garbage around.
It took me a while to understand WHY I’ve had such a strong connection with Michael and why I got pulled into his energy so easily when I started researching his life and death…It’s because of my past. That is the exact reason why.
It’s funny too, because as you spiritually start to truly open yourself up others around you will start to open up as well. A few weeks ago I wanted to do a certain meditation/channeling exercise with one of my friends, the one that I’m staying with now. She was worried that by us doing a channeling that she would let demons into her house so we never did it. I was upset because I knew I wanted to do this but I didn’t want to do it alone….we were sitting out on her porch and she kept asking me if I was mad at her. She said “I don’t feel the need to talk to ghosts. I know you talk to Michael and your grandfather and that’s fine but I don’t want to speak to them until I’m over there with them.” She was referring to times when I’m hurt or upset or angry or ANYTHING like that, I’ll sometimes talk out loud to Michael or my grandfather about these things. Granted, we don’t have a direct communication where like, I can hear him or see him or anything like that because like I said, I’m certainly not a psychic or a medium. But there’s a definite indirect communication that I get from both of them a lot and it happens a lot more when I discuss these things out loud talking to them, whether it be Michael or my grandfather.
So, after my friend said that I dropped it and left it at that, because I didn’t feel the need to pressure her into this. I just thought to myself, when she’s ready to tap into all of this then she’ll be ready if she feels the need. Well, about a week later she called me all freaked out because of a dream she had. She lost her grandmother 4 years ago and she still hasn’t fully healed from her death.
My Friend’s Snow Blanket Dream:
In this dream my friend and I were in her apartment and she looked outside and it was snowing. My friend kept telling everyone that it was snowing outside but nobody believed her except for me. So she started to pick up this snow and it morphed into a blanket, and she wrapped it around her and was walking around with this blanket that she wrapped herself in. She said in the dream I was the only person who saw what she saw. She said she saw her grandmother in this dream and not only that but sensed her in it as well.
The next day she called me, crying and telling me about it. I told her I would come over and calm her down so I came over to her apartment. She was shook up by this, because she knew, there was no doubt in her mind that it was her grandmother. I told her it was kind of funny though, that she literally said the words “I don’t want to talk to ghosts” and her grandmother said “Oh well, here I am!!” hehe 🙂 I also think it’s kind of telling that I was the only one in her dream that believed her and knew what she knew and could see what she saw, that it was her grandmother in the dream.
Even though ALL of my dreams that I discussed above have a certain “binding” element to them and a certain factor of being “trapped”…that’s the way my soul has felt all this time because of my past experiences. It all is starting to make sense to me now since being away and on my own and really being able to hone in on all of these little details. All of those dreams was my soul telling me that I was still bound by my past experiences, and that I need to break ties and break free by using my VOICE, something that I never seem to accomplish in these dreams. The only time I did was the first dream with Set and the ONLY reason why I could even speak was because I was saying Michael’s name out loud, trying to break Luke of whatever power had a hold of him…But regardless, me being on my own is already strengthening my inner voice, I could tell you that honestly…
So, I’m definitely on the road now to recovery and freedom.
I believe that that’s it for now. 🙂
I hope you all have a wonderful, blessed and lovely evening…
Sending out major love to you all!!