Hello Dear Readers 🙂
I’ve wanted to write this for a long time. Life has been happening so fast and in total full steam ahead style that I haven’t had time until today so I’m sorry for the delay.
I was engaged to be married to a guy who I was completely and totally head over heels for (until I wasn’t anymore). We were together for 8 years and were even trying to get pregnant and start a family at one point. When I said yes to his marriage proposal and agreed to wear that ring on my finger, I had EVERY intention of following through with that because it was what I thought I wanted. I saw in my head visions of him and I on Christmas morning with our children. I saw family parties and family game nights and birthdays and holidays and baby bottles and everything I always wanted out of a marriage and a life with the person you love more than anything in the world. But that’s what the issue was. I loved him more than I loved myself at the time and was totally blinded by it. I didn’t see the clear ultimate truth of the situation, which was that he was controlling and mentally and emotionally abusive for the entire 8 years we were together.
I had an abusive childhood and the only stable and loving father figure I ever had in my life was my grandfather. He died when I was 9 and that’s when the abuse began and continued for 2 years until I finally broke and spoke up. A part of me was unfortunately attracted to my ex fiance because of the abusive quality he had as a result of the abuse in my childhood. I didn’t allow myself to admit it until this past year. Who wants to admit to themselves that they accepted that kind of treatment from a person? And furthermore, who wants to admit that they not only accepted that kind of treatment but wanted to build a life with him in spite of that?
The extent of how controlling and mentally manipulative he was didn’t come into clear sight to me until I made the decision to finally try to heal from my childhood abuse. The closer I got to my goal which was to be healed the worse he got. My ex was completely and totally controlling, manipulative and emotionally twisting towards me. It wasn’t fully clear until I started to take the control back from him. I told him it wasn’t going to work and we needed to go our separate ways. Two days later he called me begging me to work it out with him. I told him okay, but if we were going to do that we were going to start from the ground up. The foundation of our relationship was what the issue was. He became so comfortable with treating me the way he always did that he had no idea there was anything wrong with it. So, I told him if he wants to work on things then fine, but it will be on my terms. I moved out for a month until he found a place and then when he moved out I moved back into our apartment. The day he was leaving I was very stressed because the friend I was staying with at the time needed me to get out that day and not a day later. Her and her ex girlfriend were working on things and broke up for a while, but my friend saw the spare room that I’ve been staying in as a way to get her ex girlfriend back. She was totally rushing me and had no consideration for the fact that my entire life was upside down at that point.
At this point in my life all the people I was surrounded by had NO consideration for me. They wanted me around for the things they needed from me, yes. But if they had everything they needed from me at the time they were nowhere to be found if I needed anything. Like my friends who wanted me around to be their emotional punching bag or my ex who wanted me around to clean and cook for him and give him sex whenever he wanted (whether I wanted to or not) or take care of the dogs or do the laundry. He never wanted me for ME. He wanted me for what he could get from me.
So then, once I started on my journey of spiritual awakening and awareness, that’s when it became clear to me. The more I became in tune with my true purpose of being on this planet and the more I attracted more positivity and self empowerment the further away from me all of these people became. There was a definite distance between me and them, way before the physical distance was even there. They couldn’t handle the fact that I was taking the control back from them that they had for all these years. Because of the degree of controlling at the end that I was receiving from my ex I had to leave full movie style because I knew he wouldn’t accept my decision and wouldn’t allow me to leave. I left the ring and a note on the dining room table. My mom flew down and did the drive up with me. I was the only one driving because her driver’s license isn’t active, but it was nice to have someone there with me anyway. I packed my entire life in my little Toyota Corolla. Myself, my mother and my two dogs in tow, we were on our way back to my hometown to build a new life for ourselves.
The picture above was the night before we left and hit the road 🙂
Once my ex realized what happened and that I was gone, he sent me these videos and websites to look at:
Healing the Emotionally Abusive Marriage: http://www.focusonthefamily.com/lifechallenges/abuse-and-addiction/understanding-emotional-abuse/healing-the-emotionally-abusive-marriage
“Yes, Abusers Can Change!” End Spousal Abuse and Save Your Marriage: http://www.preventabusiverelationships.com/spousal_abuse_tx.php
Stop Telling Wives to Have Sex When They Don’t Feel Like It: http://www.mommyish.com/2014/09/29/marital-pressure-to-have-sex/
When Pleasing Him is Hurting You: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uu6WOV5uNRw
When Pleasing Him is Hurting You (Part 2): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uu6WOV5uNRw
It killed me to see these things. One night before we broke up I told him that the way he speaks to me is emotional and mental abuse. He became irate and we got into a fight about it. I told him after I got these websites/videos in the messages he sent me that sometimes there are certain things between people that you can’t get passed. But now even only 2 months out of the break up, I’m so thankful that I had the courage to finally take a stand and take back the control over my life. The “friends” that I discussed earlier were also very upset with me for leaving. They said they “didn’t deserve this treatment”, meaning me taking a stand. It’s incredible how angry people get when you finally have strength and courage and say “absolutely no more of this treatment”.
This was incredibly stressful for everyone involved. It was the most stressful on my dogs though I think. I had them boarded at a local veterinary office for 6 weeks. It took me that long to find a place that I could have them both. I would go a few times a week to see them and walk them. Every time I had to bring them back in there it felt like a piece of me died. But I did my best to keep moving forward and keep the positive vibes as much as I possibly could, and remind myself that this is only TEMPORARY and nothing that’s worth having happens overnight.
In the meantime I was working like a mad woman trying to find a home for us and land a job for me. I’m licensed in my practice and so I was waiting on my license transferring from the state I left to the state I moved to. It takes 6 weeks for licenses to transfer. Just being away from all of the negativity though I felt myself not being suffocated anymore. There was an automatic result of empowerment and independence and security that came along with the change of energies around me. I had some similar energies around me in different places here also, but I recognized them WAY easier because of what I had been through and removed myself from them immediately once I recognized them. I started to feel whole again and safe and secure. That feeling means everything. It was such a foreign feeling to me.
My ex of course was trying everything he could in the meantime to regain control over me. One of the first things I did when I got here was changed my number and only a very select few have it. I didn’t want him to have any way of contacting me but he still tried. He would message me on Facebook messenger and I wouldn’t answer. He had his friends contact me telling me to contact him and I wouldn’t answer. And then when none of that worked he called my MOTHER and asked her to ask me for money for the last of the bills. I paid an entire month of rent before I left to give him time to figure out what he was going to do. But the “money” is just code for “control” to him. It always was. I was beyond livid that he would go that far as to try to get my mother involved. I don’t know why it surprised me because he was desperate and always looked at me as his property. I blocked him and all of his family and friends from my Facebook and my mother did the same. Within an hour of me doing that I started getting emails from him because that was the only mode of contact he had left. Then things were quiet for a couple of weeks.
My perception has been opening up a ton since being here. The less negative energies that are around me the more aware of things I am because my perception is no longer clouded by them. Please don’t misunderstand though, there’s no way to get completely away from negative energies. They’re everywhere. But I’m way more able to sense them now. I am very in tune and always had precognitive dreams or have dreams that are “information” and not really dreams at all. You’re the most spiritually aware when you’re asleep. A few days ago I had a couple of dreams and I was in the room when these conversations were happening but nobody saw me. It was my ex having conversations with people, saying “She left me for no reason”, “I should’ve seen it coming”, “She took my dogs away”, “She lost her mind”….I woke up livid. I knew that these dreams were legitimate pieces of information given my history of accuracy with my dreams. I can’t tell you how many times my dreams would come to fruition and it freaked me out when I was a child because it didn’t make sense to me why I was able to do that and foresee events happening. But now as an adult it’s a very useful skill to have. There is a complete and total sense of injustice around this entire situation. I was the one that took a stand and was abused. And instead of taking the “victim” stance I took the driver’s seat back. And now he has the balls to go around and tell people that I left for no reason??
When I woke up from these dreams the life was totally sucked out of me. I was exhausted when I woke up and was totally drained and energetically tapped. I’ve learned how to shield myself and replenish my energies. I haven’t had anymore dreams though in a couple of days and hopefully there won’t be anymore. But if there are, just know that I’m ready and prepared. This song explains it perfectly:
“Stop pressurin me, just stop pressurin me, stop fuckin with me, make me wanna scream”
This song totally resonates with this whole entire experience and did way before I made the decision to leave him. That’s the way I felt. Totally manipulated and the story was always twisted around and the truth was NEVER discussed or talked about.
This story that I like to call my life is still a work in progress, so stay tuned. 🙂 Things are starting to settle down now so I’ll be able to write a lot more.
Goodbye for now dear friends 🙂